Henry Blotter
by sofia94
Summary: parody of harry potter, rather proud of this. first proper attempt at a fanfic so only constructive criticism please.
1. Chapter 1

It all started the day Mouldywart tried to kill me. I say tried because he wasn't particularly successful. I remember it vividly although I was merely an infant when the incident happened. Mouldywart whipped out his long, thin wand and pointed it squarely at me. I gurgled thinking it was a new toy to play with. He said those supposedly fatal words "Karvadarva!"  
However, this did not have the intended effect as my magic blankie was wrapped around me and it somehow reached over its potential and the spell rebounded, killing Mouldywart instantly. So basically at the age of a year and three months I had killed a man, indirectly of course. The only thing I saw for the next two and a quarter days was the festering body of my victim. It was enough to scar me. Which it did. However, the scar was an unusual shape. I mean who wants to walk around with a jigsaw puzzle piece on their backside for the rest of their lives.

My saviour came in the form of a little guy who mumbled to himself all the time, However, he did take a moment to introduce himself, "come here little fella its alright, my mates call me Ridhag." His gruff voice was not fitting for a man of his... stature. He lifted me along with my magic blankie and Mr. Snufflebump and carried me to a push bike. Placing me in the front basket he hopped on and pedalled away. When we finally came to a stop a strange voice was being carried on the wind.  
"Ridhag! Is that you? Took your time didn't you... I have a batch of pumpkin pasties in the oven... give him here." The voice was high and squeaky hardly fitting for any human wanting to call themselves a man.

I knew immediately who owned the voice, it was Dorbin. My parents had taken me to him when I was merely two weeks of this world. I wouldn't forget that voice anywhere. But now I think about it I hadn't seen my parents since Mouldywart turned up and I created my first capital crime. I felt myself being lifted from the basket into the arms of an old man. I mean OLD man, he was shaking so badly I nearly puked on him but true to my nature I pretended to be asleep. He placed me on the frozen door step of the nearest house. I could just make out the address number 16 Pivot Lane. Dorbin placed a note with me, I couldn't tell you what it said as it was scribbled and no human in their right mind would be able to read it.  
So now my life is miserable. I live with my Aunt Pansy, my Uncle Vermont and my horrible cousin Pugsey. They make me wear the most horrific clothes and it's not like they let me shower a lot either. I'm always covered with a layer of what appears to be grime but it could actually be anything. They make me sleep in a drawer under the sink so I don't ruin their picturesque house in horrible shades of purple and orange.


	2. Chapter 2

One day when Pugsey was being unusually kind and allowed me into his bedroom to pick up all the broken toys and dispose of them as I wished. He decided to get his pet stick insect down from the top self and set its cage in the middle of the room. He proceeded to kick me. I got angry and the stick insect simply exploded. I got sent to my drawer for this serious lack of good manners, not that I had been taught any anyway. The punishment built up over the course of several days. The first day I was forced to stand the entire day. The next I wasn't allowed in the house. The torture was unbearable as the days continued. Eventually they appeared to be letting up, and they finally let me have a strip of bacon. A rarity for me. I mean I get all the toast a boy could ever ask for but bacon is god's idea of heaven on earth.  
One day a curious thing happened, I mean curious because a swallow is not an animal that is friendly enough to come into ones home, let alone drawer. This particular swallow was just like any other until it dropped a note onto Mr Snufflebump. Yes I still have Mr Snufflebump; he was my toy and only mine. The note read:

_Dear poor and skinny Mr Blotter,_  
_ We are writing to inform you that you are now to attend Pigwarts School of wizards. Please find enclosed _  
_ all the correct clothes and equipment and a bus will come for you on the 5__th__ September. Please enjoy_  
_ the remainder of your holidays._  
_Professor Dorbin_


End file.
